A Blessing And A Curse

Aimee Ryan walked out of the shadows and back into my life however briefly last night.

After a long e-mail exchange, I was eventually persuaded to meet with her in Bellevue. She was feeling remorseful about how things ended with us seven years ago. This is an emotion that I didn’t think she was capable of much less willing to express. But through the course of too short a night, express them she did and in such a way that I actually believe her.

We met in the now nearly cookie-cutter Bellevue mall, she wore an obnoxious pink poofy jacket that I assume she mugged a 12 yo. Japanese girl for. It would seem that her trademark vintage style was left stranded on the wayside at some point. A pity. After an uncomfortable hug and hello we had guarded cups of coffee at Tully’s where she gave me a belated birthday card for my recent entry into true adulthood and a Christmas present to even out the balance for when last we met. Aimee has always been a woman of accessories, especially rings. Since the day I met her, she has always told stories through the rings on her hands during awkward moments. But I couldn’t help but notice the diamond ring on her left hand that told the biggest story of all.

This was an unfortunate discovery as I had asked her before if she was; to which her reply was evasion. She knew that I would not have met with her; a woman that I had loved in every sense of the word if she was. She told me of that marriage and it’s state. I can identify all too easily with the poor, trusting soul that thinks his significant other (or in this case wife) is “out with friends”. Maybe I should have left at that point, I considered it. But I didn’t. Instead we walked and talked about our lives and things from before. It was a lovely and amazing evening that I didn’t want to end. I keep replaying it in my mind to try to extract every detail that I can. But it had to end. I walked her to the same 1994 Mustang GT convertible that she sped out of my life in seven years ago. We both stammered about trying to squeeze just a little more time out of the night. We hugged three times, thinking it was the end only to prolong it again. The hugs were heart heavy. We told each other that we missed one another and then I had to turn and walk away; quickly for fear that I would turn back around and do something stupid.

She had an impatient husband to get home to, the fact making me feel like a scoundrel. But all I wanted to do was hold her there, tell her over and over again how much I miss her and never let her go. She was and always will be my best friend; she knows me and I know her. After a few fitful hours of half-sleep, I realized that I also am still very much in love with her. In fact I never really stopped loving her, circumstances just got in the way of it being expressed. And now these circumstances are painfully and frustratingly obvious. Before, youthful idiocy prevented us from continuing together; now all it is a little silver ring with a colourless stone in it that prevents me from knowing her past that night. Is timing everything in life? Did we squander the one chance we had together? I don't want to say 'yes'.

Aimee proved to me that she really is the woman that I had hoped she was. Before 5 p.m. Friday night, I would have described her uncommon femininity as her most attractive quality; a poise and manner that befits a woman, a lady. Something different about her that elevated her above all others in my mind. But I discovered later that I had forgotten about her moxie and the back-and-forth banter that came so easily to us. It was through this that our friendship and love for one another was based. And I must admit that she is extremely attractive when she is cracking wise.

This would seem to be the end. She wants to stay in touch though e-mail at least. I want to do so very much. But given her situation, it seems that I would only complicate things. I don’t care for drama and even less so for causing it. And even though the night tied up many things we had to say to each other, I am still left with the question of how to deal with Aimee Ryan. The hurt is gone, the hate is gone. What is left now is a missed chance at love that we both regret and that continues to consume portions of our lives. A blessing and a curse.